It does not have to be this way. We can find that balance by stepping back and looking at our parenting skills objectively. When we find the problems, we can fix them. The first step is to rethink what discipline means to you. Don't think of it as just punishment. Discipline is a tool we as parents use to teach our children behavioral life lessons. It's not just about grounding and time outs. It is about what to do and how to act in this world. If the discipline method you use does not actually teach your child why their actions were wrong and what they should do instead, then your method is not really discipline. Use this list to help you troubleshoot your discipline style.
Unknown Expectations- Have you ever had a job that never told you the company rules, and then fired you for breaking them? That's what life can be like for a child. If you do not give them clear guidelines on how you expect them to behave, how can they know if they're breaking the rules? Children are not born knowing what behavior is acceptable and what is not. These things are taught by us.So if you are appalled at your child's behavior in a restaurant or at a store, ask yourself if you set up guidelines, specific guidelines, for them before you ever stepped foot out of the house. Tell them what the rules are beforehand. You may be a little surprised at the result.
This also applies to your home as well. Setting clear cut rules is crucial to disciplining. This does not mean the you should have so many rules that being at home becomes stifling, but there does need to be real house rules. Make them together, write them down, then hang them up somewhere so everyone (including babysitters and childcare providers) can know exactly what to expect.
Tone- This is probably one the most important and most overlooked skill. Keeping the right tone with your child is paramount to disciplining successfully. Too light of a tone just tells your kids that you are a pushover. That what you say is not what you mean, or that your authority is weak at best.Too strong of a tone is either disciplining by fear, which will not work in the long run, or it's yelling to relieve your own tension, which does not help to scale back the tension. Especially as your children hit the teenage years. Want a rebellious teenager? Using fear, and only fear, as your primary discipline technique will grant that request very quickly. Yelling in reaction to your own anger or frustration will only result in a daily screaming match.
Your tone should be authoritative. It should tell them that you are the parent, and they will do as you say. It should not be light and airy, or filled with pleas to behave. Nor should it be screaming. Both of these tones says that you have no control in the situation. A controlled and serious voice resonates with children more than yelling or pleas.
Following Through- Using the right tone is useless of there is no follow through. Threats might work a couple times, but all children will eventually test the limits of you and any punishment you may threaten. If we never follow through on our threats of discipline, we might as well be screaming at a wall. Discipline is ultimately about following through. If you told them that you would put them in time out if they did not stop it, then follow through if they stay on with their behavior.Punishment Does Not Fit the Crime- Sometimes we get so frustrated with our children's bad behavior we go overboard with their punishment. Or, we get so tired of that behavior we begin to just do nothing. Your method of discipline should fit the crime. If they're young, time outs do work. If they're too old for time outs, then taking prized possessions away for a certain amount of time might be the way to go. You have to decide. But if your punishment is out of spite, or anger, it's time to step back and ask yourself if what you're doing
Inconsistency- There is nothing quite as frustrating as a rule that is only enforced some of the time. Extreme punishment for a rule broken one time, and the next time no punishment at all sends mixed messages. The behavior becomes reinforced.
Self-Esteem Killers- Calling a child stupid does not make that child work harder to prove you wrong. Calling your teen lazy does not make them do their chores. We've all seen it happen, maybe you've even said it out of desperation. This method never works. It kills their self-esteem and usually results in reinforcing the behavior ("If Mom thinks I'm lazy then I might as well just be lazy.").
Setting clear cut rules, defined consequences, and-most importantly- talking to your children why what they did was wrong and how to do better are the secrets to discipline. It isn't about how much you punish, or how harsh the punishment is. It's about little life lessons, and shaping all those little moments that help them to become well adjusted adults.
